When he walked in and said “Hello”, I knew right then I was going to like him. But what I would do from there, I had no idea. I know very little about who I am now after losing my 16-year-old son, Sam, tragically on Mothers’ Day 2014, when he experimented with what he thought was LSD but was a deadly synthetic hallucinogen drug, 25i-NBOMe. My Sammy took the same amount as his two friends who were fine the next morning yet it was Sam that didn’t wake up to celebrate my day.
Instead the unbelievable walked into my life and I have changed nearly every aspect of my life since to survive and find my soul. Once broken, always broke? Indeed we all are broken I now know. So, too, was Major McHottie as we talked for hours that first night we met. He had experienced the loss of a child which comforted me yet I know too well I cannot grieve like any other and no one can experience my grief except me. That is one way we travel alone in life’s journey but Hottie’s conversation helped ease the pain of the ride or so it seemed.
What transpired over the next two weeks after meeting Hottie, is still a puzzle to me. It seems like a writing from “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” except the script was what my heart and mind naturally improvised, not a 2003 film with “alright, alright, alright” Matthew McConaughey and the beauty Kate Hudson that ends in a love ever after way. I learned as much about myself as Kate’s character, Andie Anderson, did in that same time frame. McConaughey’s character, Benjamin Barry, was instead my Major McHottie, nicknamed so because of his initial military career and his obvious attraction level with the added “Mc” to note the heartthrob “Grey’s Anatomy” t.v. series characters, Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy, all rolled into one and on display by Hottie’s imminent words and actions.
What did I do with Major McHottie? Our second date was a few days later on Friday night. I called him a “player” a total of 11 times he told me. I also threw the book at him when it comes to reading between the lines of anything he tried to say to me so I could get to know him more, or even if he tried to compliment me. I preferred to cast whatever came out of his mouth or by his manner in a negative light for my own self comfort. When the second date was over, I thought I had done well; I wouldn’t hear from him.
The door had been left slightly open it appeared. I had a Sam’s Watch speaking engagement the next night and although I had time free, I was not committed in trying to meet up with McHottie after. He apparently was. When I got Hottie’s call later that night asking me where I was and what was happening, I had nowhere to hide from how I ran from a possible third encounter. In that bareness though, I thought that was it and I went back to my single person’s way of life. I planned to go to the movies alone on Sunday evening. I’m still not quite sure why he reached out to me that day or how we ended up with a dozen other people in the darkened movie theatre but Hottie was insistent that we wear the dorky 3-D glasses for the full screen effect. It was a good movie, too. The amused smile on my face was hidden in the darkness so no one could see.
The next day I got 100% on my first paper for the second semester and shared the news with my text contacts of which Major McHottie was one. Everyone’s kind replies were encouraging; Hottie’s reply was that we needed to celebrate. My thought: that’s strange. In celebration, Cooper’s Hawk, always nice, was with Hottie a time like I had not had before. I was still as obstinate as possible, even when acting coy as he surprised me with a bottle of my favorite from the wine tasting. It was truly the dessert that melted me; sharing together that irresistible s’mores deliciousness layered with light creamy vanilla pudding, smoothly crushed graham crackers, luscious gooey chocolate-ness and topped with warm marshmallow creme toasted just like it had been made by putting a marshmallow on a stick over an open heat-flaming bonfire. Oh, how my mouth watered with thoughts of it after, as also my thoughts softened and my heart went on defrost.
What happened next appears to be a set up of unknown sorts. I had wanted to attend a high school sporting event on Friday which would require a short work day on Hottie’s part. Hard work is what Hottie knows and is what he can throw himself into consistently while all else around him blurs into oblivion. I talked to him by phone about it the next afternoon after our evening at Cooper’s Hawk. Not one to make promises he can’t keep, his response was only that he would try. I was in grad class that evening and did not expect to hear from him. I drove home after class thinking how I hadn’t heard from him and maybe all my defense mechanisms might have worked in my favor after all. Then I woke up Friday morning a little disappointed that I had not heard from him but telling myself it’s a free world and if he wanted to move on, that is always an option, and why wouldn’t he after how terribly I had treated him?
It was just before noon on Friday that I got an instant message from Hottie on Facebook which was surprising to me. He was wanting to know why I wasn’t answering his calls or responding to his texts. I immediately replied that I had not heard from him. He asked that I call him. On the phone he said how he had worked the night before until 9:00 p.m. so that he could rearrange scheduling and take me to the sporting event I wanted to go to. He had text and tried to call me the night before but I didn’t respond. He had also tried to call me several times that morning and I didn’t answer the phone. I was adamant. I told him that I had no texts from him and no missed calls or voice mails from him either. He was adamant in response although he had a call come in that he was waiting for and had to call me back. “Huh” I thought as we disconnected. I looked again. No texts. No calls.
A friend called me then and I explained it all in exasperation and our thoughts conspired that he must be lying. I hung up balanced again after my friend conversation. Then he instant messaged me again to call him. I did. He then proceeded to tell me he had tried to call me just then and left two voice mail messages and that I needed to check my messages. I assured him that my phone showed no messages from him and in the midst of that he had another call come in and gone he was. Never one to leave room for doubt I went back to the old fashion voice mail access where you call and enter your password. When I did, I found my liar wasn’t lying. There were two messages from him. At that point, I was bewildered. Realizing I was within blocks from the geeks of where I purchase my cell phones, I pulled in and entered the mobile store.
The lady who offered to assist me from behind the store counter, developed a frozen smirk on her face as I explained what was happening with my phone. Then she asked to look at it. “Which contact is it?” she inquired with her eyes dancing. When I pointed to it, her eyes lit up and her smirk turned to a huge smile she could not hide as much as she tried. In a high pitch voice she noted, “Oh, Major McHottie, well let me see here.” She looked at call history and scrolled through his contact listing and she suddenly exploded in laughter to the point that she had to bend over to try and maintain herself from her outburst that must have been causing her stomach to ache. I was entirely absent of her expressed amusement. She stood back up and barely through her chuckles explained to me that I had blocked him on my contact list. Apparently blocking is an option on your contact page and by doing this you no longer receive any phone calls or texts from the contact that you blocked. If I was as technology savvy as the lady behind the counter, I suppose I would have figured that out without her. I, on the other hand, am not that. How I would have blocked Hottie I have no idea either. So despite what she was telling me, I really hadn’t done that but whatever. So to Hottie I did eat crow and somehow that was alright with him.
Hottie was alright, too, when he saw the “me” that is the mother who lost her son and still has so many questions and thoughts to work through. The first of my deeper sorrow for him to experience was when the applications arrived for high school scholarships in Sam’s memory. Instead of Sam graduating, one or more of his classmates would receive a monetary gift towards the bright college future that awaits them beyond the high school walls where they’ve already made recognizable accomplishments; a place my Sammy will not leave as he is forever a Trojan. Hottie’s response as my confusion, heartache and unanswered despair leaked out in my telling him about my day; “I’m sorry. If you want, I could be there…”
The 10 days to lose a guy came and went so many times over despite my defenses, floundering and blunders. I don’t know that I’ll ever shake the denseness of darkness since losing my Sammy, but besides coming into the light from God’s grace and my mother’s love for both my sons, maybe I’m closer to understanding I have not been cast into the shadow away from the warmth of lasting sunshine. Just maybe… #muchlovetosam