This is the thing about life. No matter how hard you try and try as hard as you might, but you cannot control life's affects on you. Why? Because life is full of moments far beyond what we can anticipate.
When that moment of sudden, stop-you-in-your-tracks impact occurred for me… my son, Sam, died, and my feelings, being, and thinking… everything… it all changed. There were crashing moments of the past relived back to the earliest memory I have, colliding into the generation of a new outcome from what had already taken place. While other thoughts of love, loss, and “who am I now” was spinning in my head repelling me to places I never would have been, instances of what someone should not ever have to be blended with instances of pure joy and peace of what could not have been known before one tragic moment had occurred… that moment that ripped my son, Sam, at only sixteen, from my world.
What happens when those moments change our lives forever. What if, one day, there’s that moment and its presence changes not only everything that happens at that point in time and going forward but also changes the moments that already happened before… Changing them just like being sent back in time to relive them with new actions and different endings. It is with awe that moments in our life can change what the impact is of those moments that already took place. Where does that leave you? Where will it take you? Where do you go? Because now your past is not in the past but instead a ripple effect towards the future that was to be and now will be a future of something else totally unexpected.
"Who am I now?" I’m weightless just as though I was traveling in outer space; floating with no sense of gravity to pull me back down. No obligation, guilt or burdens to be bared as they are smothered by stifling, sharpened painfulness, that as a mother who has lost a child, should not ever be expected to go away while here on earth. I do what I want. Say what I want. I have no boundaries. Have no excuses; sometimes have no words. My life is my own now; no one else would want. My endless pain has set me free. #muchlovetosam