It's over; is it ever truly over?

Friday Ed and I signed divorce papers that ended just more than a decade long marriage that encompassed most of Sam and Nicks’ life to date.  We married when Sam was in kindergarten and Nick in pre-school and had been together for more than a year before that.  Sam walked me down the aisle of the outdoor deck at the Danville Boat Club and Nick stood as Ed’s best man. In all, it was a family marriage with each of the boys focal to not only the ceremony but in what would be beyond that.  It was such a happy time.  On Friday, it seemed a far away time and place.

As I drove myself to the attorney’s office on Friday to sign the papers, I thought it would be a quick stop with a signature and I’d be on my way.  When I arrived, I instantly recognized Ed’s car in the parking lot.   I thought about leaving at that point and returning later but with my schedule of activities for the day I would not have time to return later and the agreement needed to be signed that day as far as I thought.  So I parked and grabbed my bag out of the passenger seat and it seemed heavier than it ever did before.  

As I entered the attorney's office lobby, Ed was just leaving and we met as though to pass but how do you pass more than a decade of your life without acknowledgement?  You don’t.  We hugged as though comforting one another in another loss and the words that came to me were, “take care.”  

In the face of yet another loss, my marriage this time, for that brief moment in the lobby, I wanted to shout, “STOP” but as soon as I thought it and before the words escaped my mouth I realized that was not possible.  As a year and a half ago now, I realized the world does not stop when devastation knocks at your door and my beautiful son, Sam, left this world.  I tried to stop and stand still then but the world did not.  It would keep going and I in my daily muster of strength over the past 18 months have done the same.  Some days I don’t know how.  Some days I don’t know why.  In the end, I know I do make it past each day.  And each day I make it past, I know why… #muchlovetosamandnick