I recall it was another of my heartbroken meltdowns after losing my first born son, Sam, at the tender age of sixteen. I was outside and it was daylight but my skin felt no heat of the day as it appeared to be almost dusk. Still, I was without need for a jacket. The grass I was laying on was the true green of late summer. Nick, my second born son, knelt down and helped me to my feet. I had been laying in the yard looking at the sky, yet searching with my mind's eye for something that I knew I could not see.
Nick has been there at my side when the pain of grief has raged at its worst. He’s been there when I have spoken publicly about Sam’s experience and our experience in losing him, and in that, we have shared so much love to help others.
I always consider Nick to have an "old soul" as his words are far more mature than his age. This was apparent to me in this moment when my pain of the loss of Sam was flowing so strongly through my veins causing my heart to race and my thoughts to run wild. In the midst of this meltdown when even my hope seemed lost, Nick helped me to my feet and as he did so, in earnest he said, “Mom, we’ll see Sam again. We just have to be patient.”
I actually felt a sense of amazement in Nick’s words, spoken in his solemn and believing voice, at his then, sweet age of sixteen. Nick's commitment to patience would need to be far stronger and longstanding than my own would need to be yet he said it to me with simplicity and such faith. All he said is true to me. All that was unsaid between us is the many moments that will occur here on Earth, for each of us, before that will happen.
My patience will be expressed in how my heart carries love for Sam, my son who I physically no longer see, his overuse of wearing Axe body spray I no longer smell, and his friendly touch I no longer feel. More than ever though, a longing for his presence that is no longer met. Our love for Sam will never end and with it, neither will the pain of his loss. Yes, Nick, we do just have to be patient. For me, that is patience with my neverending pain for peace on Earth. #muchlovetosamandnick