Mysterious Chemist Makes New Drug to Save Partiers From Themselves

Of all the drugs set to flood the bloodstreams of New Year’s Eve revelers, virtually nobody will be riding high on one called “chaperon.” Most have never heard of it, nor will they care to — at least, not with all those lavish sums of booze and MDMA available to ingest tonight.

“Chaperon” is the shadowy newcomer to the designer drug game, and its psychotropic effect is meant to disguise a secret role as a “binge mitigation agent.” Originally intended to be sold as a legal way to roll balls, its creator now plans to hand over the patent to DrugScience, a harm reduction organization.

Courtesy of the guy who brought us mephedrone (one of the now-banned bath salts impersonating molly in all of those shady baggies floating around), this latest endeavor by “Dr. Z” looks to give its takers a boozy, euphoric ride — without the actual booze and molly.

Based on the limited, non-scientific test drive taken by Michael Slezak at New Scientist, chaperon gives users an “intense” ecstasy-like rush to accompany a quasi-drunk state that also kills the thirst for alcohol.

As many well know by now, the appeal of alcohol and molly’s synergy is also what makes it so deadly. After all, alcohol did have a hand in 3.3 million deaths in 2012, while MDMA has become a recurring culprit in a never-ending string festival overdoses in recent years. Neither lend themselves well to moderation, especially not while taken together.

But where awkward PSA’s and fearmongering have failed to suffocate a problem out of existence, chaperon heeds the primal call to party, but in a way that mitigates risks — death, for instance.

So if nothing else, think of it as the condom of recreational drug use, a buffer against our uncrushable drive to do regrettable shit we know we shouldn’t yet still do anyways.

Even if it does become illegal — as it almost certainly will — perhaps it’s a safer pathway worth exploring.