Mirror in the sky


It’s been two months since a Sam’s Mom’s blog; a life changing, kick your ass two months.  I finished my Masters’ degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.  When I came to Christian Theological Seminary three years ago to start my Masters, I was in search of life purpose and my pursuit was to find “hope” to live beyond my own unimaginable pain.  I lost my son Sam overnight on Mother’s Day.  It was May 11, 2014.  He died overnight at a friend’s house from a synthetic drug he thought was Acid.  Our hearts were broken; life did not stop for pain.  From the spiritual journey I was on, my meaningful life was a vision to help others to in turn heal my own suffering.

When I was accepted and started school, I left my full-time Corporate America executive career.  I met the most beautiful people at CTS.  I honestly didn’t expect that I would leave CTS.  I thought my suffering would end with my death.  I didn’t want to live with so much pain.  That didn’t happen though.  As my studies continued, I thought when I graduated I would move to French Lick, a place of solace that I share with Sam experiences there.  I thought I would be a counselor at the school Larry Bird attended or do something in the health care community in Jasper, Indiana.  Alone.  

Today I defended my thesis and of course, it included my experience with my boys, Sam and Nick.  As I jumped in the car to head home after, Stevie Nick’s “Landslide” played.  I chuckled.  I recall years ago playing the CD over and over in the car and singing every word… over and over.  After about a dozen times, Sam sitting in the passenger seat said, “Wow, mom, you really like that song don’t you.”  “Yes, I do,” I said.  

An hour later, I’m seated at dinner celebrating my victory lap of completing the last two months and I hear Stevie Nick’s again: “Oh, mirror in the sky.  What is love?  Can the child within my heart rise above?  Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?  Well, I've been afraid of changin’.  'Cause I built my life around you.  But time makes you bolder.  Children get older.  I'm getting older too.”

Yes, I’ve been afraid of changing.  I came to CTS three years ago struggling to find my purpose.  Through my learning at seminary, I discovered parts of myself that I hadn’t known.  I came with an identity of being broken.  Now I recognize the psychology and theological underpinnings of my work in mental health counseling.  I graduate identifying broken as a condition endured.  What I possess is what God has provided me.  Instead of moving to French Lick, I moved this Spring to Noblesville.  Instead of dying, I lived.  #muchlovetosam