It’s been two months since a Sam’s Mom’s blog; a life changing, kick your ass two months. I finished my Masters’ degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. When I came to Christian Theological Seminary three years ago to start my Masters, I was in search of life purpose and my pursuit was to find “hope” to live beyond my own unimaginable pain. I lost my son Sam overnight on Mother’s Day. It was May 11, 2014. He died overnight at a friend’s house from a synthetic drug he thought was Acid. Our hearts were broken; life did not stop for pain. From the spiritual journey I was on, my meaningful life was a vision to help others to in turn heal my own suffering.
When I was accepted and started school, I left my full-time Corporate America executive career. I met the most beautiful people at CTS. I honestly didn’t expect that I would leave CTS. I thought my suffering would end with my death. I didn’t want to live with so much pain. That didn’t happen though. As my studies continued, I thought when I graduated I would move to French Lick, a place of solace that I share with Sam experiences there. I thought I would be a counselor at the school Larry Bird attended or do something in the health care community in Jasper, Indiana. Alone.
Today I defended my thesis and of course, it included my experience with my boys, Sam and Nick. As I jumped in the car to head home after, Stevie Nick’s “Landslide” played. I chuckled. I recall years ago playing the CD over and over in the car and singing every word… over and over. After about a dozen times, Sam sitting in the passenger seat said, “Wow, mom, you really like that song don’t you.” “Yes, I do,” I said.
An hour later, I’m seated at dinner celebrating my victory lap of completing the last two months and I hear Stevie Nick’s again: “Oh, mirror in the sky. What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? Well, I've been afraid of changin’. 'Cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder. Children get older. I'm getting older too.”
Yes, I’ve been afraid of changing. I came to CTS three years ago struggling to find my purpose. Through my learning at seminary, I discovered parts of myself that I hadn’t known. I came with an identity of being broken. Now I recognize the psychology and theological underpinnings of my work in mental health counseling. I graduate identifying broken as a condition endured. What I possess is what God has provided me. Instead of moving to French Lick, I moved this Spring to Noblesville. Instead of dying, I lived. #muchlovetosam