It's here

I’ve been limping along through this week to keep up with my second semester grad studies before finals next week. Half the time I’ve had physical symptoms of being under the weather mixed with what is likely anxiousness that this time of year is upon me a second time without Sam. I made it to today, Friday, my free day, but even this day I am imprisoned by my suffering.

I started out at the gym where I was exhausted more from doing less. My trainer looked at me perplexed when we ended the session. I told him it wasn’t a good time for me and as we talked he understood why. He continued to look confused as though there was something he wanted to do yet what was it?

I pulled out of the gym parking lot anticipating that I would go somewhere next or do something. I considered going to Dunkin’ Donuts for a delicious iced coffee that I could already taste and made my mouth water. Then I remembered I don’t go to Dunkin’ Donuts. It’s one of those spots on the places I don’t go since I lost Sam because they are places that we went to that defined who Sam was here on Earth. Missing him in new surroundings is what is currently manageable. That means I haven’t had one of those mocha iced coffees that I was tasting in two years? Two years and I can still taste it.

My eyes welling up with tears that I wiped away so I could continue to see to drive, I went directly back to whence I came. Home. I landed softly on the couch where T-Bone, Sam’s yellow lab rescue dog, licked away as many salty drops as he could while they streamed down my face. I lay there some time and wept. When my eyes were dry, the feeling that my hand was reaching out and touching an electric barb wire fence remained. Even the shocking pain though didn't keep me from drifting off to sleep... With thoughts of all being well with Sam and that through the grace of God and many others here on Earth, I am sustained by faith, hope and love... even now. God's Peace